Perspective
by kingszey
Summary: Moonflower's vigil from the perspectives of some of her clanmates.


**this was written during a stroke of inspiration at 3 am while Spellcheck was crapping out on me, so forgive the enormity of the typos please :) Anyway, basically Snowpaw, Goosefeather, Stormtail and Moonflower are at Moonflower's vigil. kthxbai review please?**

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**Snowpaw**

The chill of the night air is no match for the iciness at my core.

Everything is cold around me – Moonflower's still flank, the wind in the trees, the frost gathering on the ground, Bluepaw's soft fur pressed against mine. Everything is cold, and I like it like that. It numbs me and for a while, I can't feel any more pain. Only for a while, though.

Bluepaw's deep breathing tells me she has fallen asleep. At our mother's vigil. In a heartbeat, the numbness cracks and anger shoots through me, but it recedes almost as quickly as it came. I can't blame her – she's had the longest day of her life. I stare at her peaceful, sleeping profile as everything within me freezes over once more.

I want so badly to protect her, to let her sleep forever. Wouldn't it be great if I could find a way for her to sidestep all the pain and suffering that she'll surely have to endure? Then she could simply dream her way into happier times, even when the real world is full of uncertainty and hatred. Our world is cruel, and I don't wish a life in it on any cat. Certainly not my sister.

The camp is silent around me. Most cats are in their nests, the ones sitting vigil are lost in their thoughts. I rise to my paws, my aching limbs protesting. Bluepaw stirs as my comforting warmth leaves her side, but stays asleep. I rest my tail on her hunched shoulder briefly, then hurry away.

My breath fogs up the air in front of me as I crawl through the gorse tunnel. The frost on the leaves sparkle in the moonlight that breaks through the threatening rain clouds, but I find no beauty in it. It simply reminds me of Moonflower's eyes.

The thought sends a stab of pain through me so intense I feel as though it will stop my heart. _So much for numb. _Suddenly, no matter where I turn, there is something that reminds me of her, my senses overwhelmed by the memory of her scent.

I'm stumbling now, desperate, calling her name. My voice bounces off rocks and trees and reminds me of how utterly alone I am. Just as I'm longing for my previous icy cold state, the rain clouds above me unleash their fury.

The rain falls in fast, fat droplets that hit my skin like bullets. I stand still as it soaks me, my thick white fur hanging, heavy and tangled, from my frame. My head is tipped back to the sky and my eyes are closed. My whole body is trembling from the freezing rain but I dare not move.

I'm vaguely aware of someone screaming – maybe it's me – and eyes fly open to the dark sky. I hope to catch a glimpse of a star or the moon, anything to let me know that she's watching, someone's watching. Anything to let me know that someone understands my unbearable pain. But if anyone does understand, they clearly don't care enough to send me a sign.

The rain thins and dies off, but there is still moisture running down my cheeks. Warm tears trickle down to land on the already drenched forest floor. I hang my head, all my energy gone, all my numbness faded to be replaced by sickeningly clear understanding.

Moonflower is dead, and I will never see her again.

**Goosefeather**

I don't dare approach her body, and the cats keeping vigil beside it. I watch from the shadows of the fern tunnel. I know I will not be welcomed among the grieving – they all think it was my fault she died.

I don't blame them, either. I should never have sent my clanmates on such a dangerous, pointless mission. I looked for signs where there were none, and it killed my sister. They have every right to hate me. I hope they do hate me.

Two small figures are huddled right against her flank. Her daughters, my neices. Bluepaw and Snowpaw are motherless now. _What have I done?_

A warm pelt brushes mine as Featherwhisker creeps up beside me. He lays down the herbs he had in his jaws – I smell horsetail and know that he must have been on his way to check up on the wounded warriors. He gazes at the body in the clearing and doesn't speak.

"You know I didn't want this," I croak feebly, wanting desperately for him to know that I wasn't really a bad cat. I never cared what anyone thought of me except Featherwhisker. I wanted him to look up to me.

He bows his head. "I know. But you can't deny the fact that you might have avoided this."

I don't reply. There's nothing I could say that could possibly justiify myself. Featherwhisker leaves me alone, and I rest my head on my paws.

I want to believe what the senior warriors have been saying. That she'll always be with us, that she'll never really leave us. It's a fairytale – nice, yes, but a delusion. They don't know my sister like I did. She won't waste time dwelling among us and grieving for what could have been. She'll be moving on; missing us, but still moving on.

I didn't realise it, but I really loved her, with all my heart. I always thought that I hated her – after all, she was the beautiful, funny, smart one of the litter. She showed off as an apprentice, and everyone indulged her in spite of it. She became a shining warrior while I sulked in the medicine den. She had a family while I made up stupid omens to make myself feel important. All I had wanted was to be needed, but no one ever needed me. Or even wanted me.

But now, all I wanted was for her to be back. She could show off all she wanted and I wouldn't mind at all. She could shine as bright as she liked and I'd do my best to congratulate her, make her shine more. I wouldn't say a bad word against her. I would love with everything inside me.

If only I could have my sister back.

**Stormtail**

At her vigil, all I can think about is myself.

How I called for this battle, told my leader it was right. How I was so sure we would benefit from it that I didn't even take the time to worry about anyone. How I was fighting at Dappletail's side when I should have been with Moonflower all along.

And then she died, and I hadn't even seen it, or got the chance to kill the cat responsible or- I don't know, done something, _anything, _to be a loyal mate to her. Wasn't that who I was? Her loyal mate?

Then I think about how I'd been blowing her off to hang out with _Dappletail, _how I had discussed the battle with _Dappletail, _how I had chosen to fight beside _Dappletail _because it had just seemed right and maybe I wasn't a loyal mate and maybe Moonflower was looking down on me and hating everything that she saw-

I force myself to break away from those thoughts, because they're bringing tears to my eyes. I can't be weak, not when I have my clan to be strong for. And my kits.

_My kits. _My gaze softens as it rests on Bluepaw, huddled against Moonflower with her eyes closed. She looks so small, so vulnerable. It breaks my heart for the second time that day, watching her. I look around for Snowpaw and see her stumbling out of the gorse barrier, looking upset and confused. I wonder if she herself knows where she's going. All I know is that it isn't safe.

I don't know what to do, if I should go after her or give her space, time. Perhaps if I had spent more time with them as kits I would know how to treat them. Cursing myself silently, I'm forced to consider what Moonflower would do in this situation.

Moonflower would go after her, so she wouldn't be alone in the forest. She wouldn't say much at first, just walk beside her with their pelts lightly touching to show her quiet support. She'd gently ask a question or two, approaching the subject subtly and making sure Snowpaw felt comfortable talking. She'd be a shoulder to cry on and a friend to rely on.

I can't do any of those things, so I just let her go.

As soon as Snowpaw's pelt disappears from view, I settle myself onto the cold, hard ground. The clouds above are shifting and rumbling slightly, and a few drops of icy rain begin to drip down onto the camp. I don't move. I will sit vigil for my mate even if I have sit through the worst of the elements.

_Come on then, StarClan, _I dare the stars silently. _Give me your worst._

And, as if they think I will not hold true to my word, StarClan opens the sky and lets rain pour, thick and freezing on me. My fur is soaked thorugh almost instantly and I find myself shivering. My clanmates run for shelter.

I bow my head and stay where I am, knowing that this is one storm I will have to bear.

**Moonflower**

When I was alive and I heard someone talk about StarClan looking down on us, I'd imagine them perched on the edges of clouds and literally peering down on the clans with some sort of… I don't know, super long-sighted vision.

But standing at my vigil, I'm not really looking down. I'm on the ground, yet the living cats are distant and cold. Death had parted us more than I had imagined.

I wish I could keep an eye on everyone at once, but being in StarClan gives you no extra powers, despite what I had dreamed of as a kit. So I take it in turns.

I groom Bluepaw's pelt as she sleeps, though she doesn't feel it. Her scent sweeps over me and I whisper choking, halted goodbyes into her ear, praying that she'll stay safe.

I sprint beside Snowpaw through the frozen forest, my flank pressed against hers. I stay by her side as she crys her tears, wishing that the warm drops of moisture would seep into my fur instead of plunging straight through me to the forest floor. As soon as she is stable again, I go back to camp.

I sit in still silence next to Goosefeather, feeling slightly awkward. I simply mull over all the times from our kithood and wish I hadn't been so rude to him, tried to shun him so often, pushed him to the side that much. I touch my nose lightly to his ear by way of apology and move on sadly.

I don't know what to do when I face Stormtail. I seem to choke on all the things I want to say to him. Not that it'd be much use, as he won't hear. But it breaks my heart, not only because I can see that his heart is broken, but because I'm remembering that he was fighting with Dappletail and not me. That I _died _because he was with Dappletail. And yet there's not a single part of me that's angry with him.

I sigh and brush my nose lightly against his shoulder. Knowing that there's no time for anything else, I turn and crawl out of the gorse tunnel, heading for my new home. The cold of the frosty forest has no effect on me but sadness weighs down my paws until I'm dragging them.

I'll miss them, and they'll miss me, but things will keep moving. Life will go on, Newleaf will come and kits will be born. They'll miss me, but they won't need me.

I do my best to convince myself that I won't need them either.


End file.
